The  Feline  Dating  Agency

By Stephanie Cowburn

For all cat lovers and lovers of eccentricity, the cat dating agency lets you view the profiles of the neurotic, self indulgent, scabby and ordinary moggy looking for a new home or special friend.

Name: Isabella Sex: Female. Pedigree: Persian white Age: Still young. Personal Statement: I’m a beautiful Single Persian Fur ball with psychic powers, I know that someone is searching for me, and that person is YOU! I’m on a prescription diet but I love chicken, and with my psychic powers I can always detect when a chicken dinner is cooking! Interests: crystal ball gazing, grooming and sleeping... eating chicken... Benefits: I’m clean, well groomed, I come with my own cat basket and scratching post and full immunisation chart on request. Looking For: Clean house mate, cat and human, with full immunisation history and flea collar (the cat not the human!) Must have full fat milk and non of that skimmed stuff, with my psychic powers I can tell!  
Name: Midge Sex: yes please! Pedigree: Red blooded male Age: Young Personal Statement: Call off the dogs, your search is over! Today is your lucky lucky day, I am definitely what you have been looking for. Im the man about town, here and there, always looking for a new special lady or ladies! Interests: Dark alleys, local hot spots and women. Benefits: Experience! Looking For: Action! Action with the young and the beautiful! Must have home with cat flap installed for freedom to come and go as I please. Regular food and treats so I can keep up my strength (looking this good takes time and effort).  
Name: Flea bag Sex: Male Pedigree: None/ feral Age: Unknown Personal Statement: I suffer from itchy skin and 'live in' pests. I'm good at spraying, spitting and stalking. Don't let my ASBO put you off, see it as a badge of honour like I do!! Interests: Scavenging, fighting, scratching, mousing and sleeping. Benefits: Comes with 'itchy friends' as standard. Will regularly bring love gifts (alive or dead or twitching depending on your preference) I'll be very territorial marking everything we own and I'll be loyal for as long as I choose. Looking For: Anyone that will have me!  
Name: Bella Sex: Female Pedigree: I'm not sure, but definitely cat… or feline or something along those lines. Age: 3 or maybe 4 Personal Statement: A little indecisive, I think I'm a bit timid, slightly nervous, I don't like sudden loud noises or strange people. I have a minor problem with frequent fur balls. I like to be in when I'm out and out when I'm in. Interests: Washing, cleaning, grooming... I like being brushed and stroked ( but not by strangers and hands must be clean). I like pouched food and not tinned, unless it comes in those nice little high end individual meal tins, they're quite tasty. Benefits: Very clean, groomed (no unsightly tangles or knots) comes with litter tray and medicated shampoo and conditioner. Looking For: Clean, perfumed and well scrubbed home. No pets, unless they have particular attention to personal hygiene, definitely no dogs, except maybe one of those miniature dachshund, but only the short haired variety. Not interested in anyone that's grubby and has fleas or ticks, the homeless need not apply.  
Name: Ruben Sex: Male Pedigree: Ginger Tom Age: 5 Personal Statement: I’m strong, determined and very confident. Interests: Sleeping, prowling, Catnip and eating. Benefits: Protective, companionable, clean and strong. Looking For: A radiator bed or empty chair in direct sunlight, constant supply of cat nip and munchy treats and a quiet female to share it all with, although that last bit is optional...  
Name: Twizzle Sex: Male Pedigree: Mixed Age: 6 Personal Statement: People say I'm mad but I'm just spontaneous and energetic. Interests: pouncing on anything that moves, jumping on people, furniture and walls, playing 'chicken' on the dual carriage way. Teasing the local strays and dogs then out running them in chase games. Benefits: I still have 3 out of my 9 lives left!! Looking for: Adventurous female for fun and maybe more… definitely more.  
Name: Marmalade Sex: male Pedigree: Ginger Tom Age: mature. Personal Statement: Some say I'm fat but it's just my thick fur that makes me look like I'm carrying a bit more weight than I used to, but I've still got the looks! I’ve lived a long time and probably seen it all! Nothing surprises me. I like to come and go as I please, and have never committed myself to one place or one person. I have lots of friends and my popularity enables me to visit all of them at meal times (when I'm never disappointed with their hospitality). Interests: Eating, sleeping, snacking and food, I'm not fussy, dried, tinned, fresh, frozen or pouches! I like discovering new feeding stations and comfy sofas. Benefits: Cuddly and loving, not demanding and I never out stay my welcome. Looking For: Comfortable home, regular meals with soft bed and a warm lap to curl up on. I suit a forgetful or busy person (happy to be fed twice or given a big portion in case you're home late). Love old people in fact any generous new person with a tin opener. (Slim female prepared to share her dinner preferable but not essential).  
Name: Crumpet Sex: Female Pedigree: Tabby Age:10 Personal Statement: Nervous, shy, highly dependent. Interests: Hiding under furniture. Benefits: You won't know I'm there. (honestly) Looking For: Quiet calm companion in a neat settled home with single person and no other pets (Fish and stick insects acceptable).  
Name: Dizzy Sex: Female Pedigree: Grey and white Age: 4 Personal Statement: I love everything. I love to play. I love to hunt. I love to sleep. I love to sing. I love to purr, eat, run and jump. Interests: Playing, prowling, hunting, sleeping, eating, grooming, nudging, padding, stalking, yowling, rubbing, nuzzling, ignoring. Benefits: Good loud singing voice, strong teeth and claws, I’m also lots of fun! Looking For: Friendship with benefits, comfy home, regular meals, free swinging cat flap, no vet trips, excitement and adventures!  
Name: Doug (short for Douglas) Sex: Male Pedigree: Manx Age: 11 Personal Statement: Although I'm disabled I've managed to reach a good age taking things easy, sitting on the fence, watching from the side lines and running risk assessments. Interests: Watching the world pass me by from a safe distance. Sun bathing and sleeping in the safety of a walled garden, or behind safety glass. Benefits: Slow mover which gives you ample time to get out of my way. Careful assessor of dangers and high risk situations, I could live forever ( so far so good!) Looking For: Fellow risk assessor. Ideally a loving female companion in a safe house, no sharp edges or corners. Must have food mashed or cut into small pieces to avoid choking.  
Name: Stinky Sex: Male Pedigree: Cat! Age: 6 Personal Statement: Life has treated me hard due to no fault of my own which means that I’m currently of no fixed abode. I scavenge where I can and have grown a thick skin. Totally immune to cat calls and slipper throwing. Interests: Digging random holes in peoples gardens. Knocking over bins and scavenging for left overs. Good vocal training. Sleeping in bins. Hissing and spitting. Benefits: No need to pay for expensive flea, tick or worming treatments, (I have them all already). Body odour and bad breath come as standard. Looking For: Soul mate, or someone that's not fussy! In fact anyone that will have me.  
Name: Biscuit Sex: Female Pedigree: Brazilian Age: 4 Personal Statement: I am well groomed, slim and rather pretty. I have a special diet to bring out the shine in my coat. I don't eat between meals and unprepared food such as mice and frogs turns my stomach. I spend a lot of time grooming and like to have every hair and whisker in place. Interests: Rubbing and nuzzling, circling and preparing my bed. Hates cat flaps that disturb the fur and I think communal scratching posts and food bowls are seriously unhygienic. Benefits: Clean, loving and attentive cat. Looking For: Similar high maintenance owner required with clean home, good eating habits and distain for picnics and communal sleeping arrangements.  
Name: Cleopatra Sex: Female Pedigree: Sphynx Age: 3 Personal Statement: Being hairless has a huge advantage when grooming as there is no risk of choking on a fur ball. Despite the stares and frequent comments, being hairless is not freaky as some people think, but highly desirable and beautiful. Interests: Knitting. Keeping warm, radiator beds and sunny positions a must. I Love cat clothes and dressing up, indoor toys, particularly the hairy or feathery type. Benefits: No unsightly hair left in your bed, very cuddly ideal for a mate with allergies. Looking For: Warm loving owner with GSOH who can love me for who I am… possibly a blind person.  
Name: Millie Sex: Female Pedigree: Birman Age: 2 Personal Statement: I’m plagued with minor illnesses and I’m worried some might be quite serious. (I am able to put my back legs behind my ears which must be un-natural, I surely have something terribly wrong!) Interests: Locating the nearest Veterinary surgery, learning about feline ailments and illnesses, checking fur, teeth, whiskers and claws for signs of deterioration. Benefits: I know how to spell 'Hypochondriac' (although I’m not sure what it is, probably something serious and life threatening). Looking For: Clean, medicated home of close proximity to a veterinary practice. I need new owners to be vigilant and caring, (attention to minor physical changes essential).  
Name: Smudge Sex: Male Pedigree: Not sure, you'll have to ask my Mum. Age: 12 weeks and 4 days. Personal Statement: When I grow up I want to be a catkin or a cat burglar, or a cat fish or a catapult… that sounds like fun! Interests: Toys. I like toys. I like the fluffy ones on strings and I like the strings. I like feathers and cat nip, (that cat nip is sooo nice)! I like curtains and fabric furniture. I like climbing and pouncing. I like bare feet and stalking. I like everything. Life is great! Benefits: I'm young and eager, I probably could be trained to do all sorts of things like use a litter tray, although life is probably too short to bother. I may be loyal and cuddly but I might not be able to fit it all into my busy day. Looking For: Adventure.  
Name: Mittens Sex: Female Pedigree: Black cat Age: 8 weeks Personal Statement: When I'm a big girl I want to have long hair and wear a diamond studded collar like my Mummy. Interests: I like being photographed like a model. I like being looked at and stroked by everybody. Benefits: I'm cute and people like me and want to pick me up and cuddle me. I'm quite small so they do it a lot. Looking For: Someone that will always love me and treat me like a princess and buy me diamonds and pearls.  
* Photograph unavailable at time of going to press. Name: Snow flake Sex: Information withheld Pedigree: Information unavailable Age: Information withheld (besides it's rude to ask). Personal Statement: I'm a very private cat, I like to mind my own business and keep myself to myself. Interests: That's my business. What I get up to is classified. Benefits: Self sufficient. Self reliant. Selfish. Looking For: Somewhere to lay my head with benefits, No questions asked. * photographs obtained from previous owner  

Remember Speed dating will be held on the first Friday of each month.

Dates for your diary:

  • January 2nd: For all you over indulgent kitty cats, our 'Good intentions' post Christmas keep fit guru promises to trim those turkey stuffed waistlines with an easy to follow exercise programme. Meet at the chicken coop off Farm Road at 6pm.
  • February 14th: Valentines Disco. Doors open at 7.30pm. Looking for love? This popular annual disco is open to all ages and enables every cat to strut their stuff! Remember; there's someone for everyone out there.
  • March 8th: 'How to deal with fur-balls' An informative talk given by the charming duo 'Cough and Spit' famed for their talk on how to dislodge a fish bone given last autumn. Meet at the back of the vets at 7pm.
  • April: Unruly fur? Can't do a thing with it? Then stroll along to our newly refurbished beauty salon 'Feline Good' and claim 10% discount on all beauty treatments during April. Extra special offers this month include the ever popular tail trim and waxed whiskers combo 'Nose to Tail'
  • May 11th: Midnight walk. Get to know your local environment. Meet at the scratching post at 11.30pm. This is an excellent way to make new friends and discover the best scavenging areas in town. Concentrating on newly opened restaurants and bars.
  • June 21st: The Choral Society presents 'Cat Call', a medley of tuneful voices covering the full vocal range of cats, with easy to 'join in' choruses. 11pm - 3am on the village green.
  • July 18th: Film Night: 'Salmon Fishing In The Yemen' 8pm.
  • August 14th: 'Whilst the cat's away!' Party season! Making the most of unoccupied houses. Come and see how the other half live as we go through the cat flap to discover which celebrity cat is away on vacation!! (Venues to be announced nearer the time.)
  • September 22nd: Film matinee for all the little kittens, showing 'The Cat In The Hat'.
  • October 27th: 'Fish Tales' A witty talk given by our regular fish expert and keen pond dipper 'Pilchard'- This seasons talk sounds a bit fishy but he's angling for a full house where he intends to squeeze everyone in like sardines!!Meet at the chippy at 7pm.
  • November 16th: Charity fund raiser for the stray and homeless. Donations required in advance. All food gifts will be distributed to the needy- (volunteers required). Meet at Pussy willows.
  • December 11th: Our annual 'Christmas Bauble' will be held at 'Katkins' assembly rooms. Dress code is formal. Tickets will go on sale in November. This is a very popular event so buy your tickets early to save disappointment.

Kitty's Ten Handy Top Tips For Finding The Purrfect Partner.

  1. Do greet your speed date politely, don't turn your back on them. First impressions count.
  2. Don't fall asleep whilst they're telling you about themselves even if it is boring or obviously made up!
  3. Do not wash your bottom no matter how itchy or sticky it might be, this is a guaranteed turn off for a first date.
  4. Do use flattery - every cat likes to think they are handsome or beautiful even if they are not blessed with your own desirable good looks.
  5. Do wash and wax your facial hair before attending - Statistics show 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskers waxed and fur neatly groomed.
  6. Don't spend your allotted speed date time talking about a previous cat you liked, no cat likes to think they have serious competition.
  7. Do not attempt to bring cat nip or any other mind altering drugs into the cattery. Stringent searches are carried out and all drugs will be confiscated.
  8. Do bring love gifts to offer to the cat of your dreams, but we ask that all gifts are completely dead to prevent pandemonium breaking out as these gifts try to escape!
  9. Don't make up wild and elaborate stories about yourself that you can't live up to.
  10. Do call when you say you're going to, no cat likes a fickle lover.